This post is sorta heavy and kinda long so

 So. 

Time to answer the most common question I receive, in one fell swoop: 

How am I enjoying my time here?

Lol this is going to be a super easy blog post cuz feelings are suuper easy to talk about.

Man, honestly; getting a glimpse into the realities of living under occupation is undeniably valuable. It's also an almost-constant reminder that I'm not on any kind of vacation; I'm not here on any sort of 'getaway' or to enjoy myself. I'm here to understand and experience what it's like to live under occupation, and those experiences absolutely take a toll on you. 

The day to day conversations are affected in sometimes subtle, always memorable ways. When you ask someone what they're doing for Palestinian Independence Day, and they say that there's no point in celebrating when children are being murdered daily by the Israeli Defense Forces. Also, they're totally restricted on travel, so where are they going to go? Or when you ask if someone's going to a festival, and find out it was cancelled because of murders that took place the past weekend in another city. Or when you see cars clustered and assume it's for a wedding but discover it's a military demonstration, which is shortly afterward met by the loud hum of Israeli planes overhead, that oftentimes fly way too close

Then you want to take a break, and go on a nice trip to Jerusalem or Nazareth, which has clean streets and good water pressure and beautiful beaches, and all it does is fill you with anger. Because how can you enjoy this when it was stolen from the friends you've been making for the last 2 months. And when your host family tells you that it used to be 100% Palestinian and they remember growing up there, and that since the Israeli's stole it, visiting, even with the proper permissions, could prove to be too dangerous for them. 

It's easy to tell yourself (cough cough *myself*) that you're aware of these things, and to process them logically. But emotions are sneaky. Overhearing a conversation in your workplace about the difficulties in your work-trip that day due to nearby violence can unexpectedly bring tears to your eyes. The same can be said for finding out that two people you're with who are chatting in Arabic are talking about their friends who have been martyred, one having been just the previous week. Or walking home and stumbling upon a giant fight that needs to be broken up by soldiers. These things tend to take your attention away from whatever you were previously thinking about, and tend to pop up in your brain at random moments weeks later. 

The constancy of everything is draining, and I've been here for 2 months. The people I know who've lived here their whole lives seem to have often adopted a sense of humor about the whole thing, because, like, what other choice do they have. It's helpless. And it's helpless to listen to them chuckle and say "we keep losing our land and our people keep being killed. And we're painted as the bad guys." Trying to figure out how to respond to such things feels exhausting in itself (there's only so many times 'wow' or 'that's so frustrating' feel like even marginally appropriate responses). 

And it's hard to escape these feelings, because...this is where you live. You hear about the violence of settlers against Palestinians, or Palestinians trying to defend themselves, or IDF soldiers harming civilians so often that you never know which incident someone is talking about when they refer to 'the latest news'. When you want to admire the view, you can't avoid seeing the ever-encroaching settlement camps that seem to get closer whenever I look at them. Even our organizations weekly newsletter contains information about local incidents, like how an elderly man picking olive trees on his land was attacked by settlers and their dogs and is now in the hospital. It really gets to be too much. 

So honestly, being here can be pretty hard. As expected. But just so you don't think it's all doom and gloom, know that personally, on a day to day basis, work and homelife are going well. I'm lucky as hell to be with the organization I'm with. They're incredible at prioritizing my safety and making me feel comfortable and at home. 

I also want to say that I'm grateful to be able to witness a disastrous and ever-important political/humanitarian situation, because it demands to be witnessed. 

And, importantly, any difficulties I'm facing does not compare the experiences of those who live here. I'm a tourist to the struggle, not a prisoner there. And even though I do think that coming here will be tremendous for my own personal growth, I can't help but hear Bo Burnham's words in my head whenever I say that: "why do you rich f**king white people view every socio-political conflict through the lens of your own self-actualization. This isn't about you." 

And it's not. It's really not about me. So thank you for keeping me and my struggles in your thoughts, and please do the same for the Palestinians subjugated to this conflict. 

If you made it to the end, gimme a fist bump 👊. Way to be. And I'll talk to you...I might not talk to you. Unless you talk to me first. Also hi mom.