We back baby

Ayyy we're back! 

Man. I've been back from Palestine for a month and a half now and I can't lie, it has been pretty incredible to relax.

Just straight up: Living there was tough. It wasn't an easy experience. There were several things that made life there challenging in ways that are hard to understand until you've been there; the general sense of tension in the air, never knowing if there will be protests the next day or what the Israeli army will do next. 

Honestly, I've spent a lot of time in these blogs detailing what life was like there and I don't really wanna talk about that anymore, at least for now. But I will say that despite how incredibly difficult it is to live there, the Palestinians display the most hospitable, magnanimous, kind-hearted attitude I've ever come across, to both travellers and to each other. 

For these reasons I'm feeling pretty strongly about advocacy right now. The general idea over there is that the main way to bring support to the Palestinian people is through international awareness, so spreading the word about the Israeli occupation is at the top of my to-do list. 

For me, I've definitely returned home with a real sense of peace. Before leaving I had large amounts of anxiety about things; about my role in my community, my friends, my family, how I should be interacting with the world. Living there (and living alone there for 5 months of my stay) granted me perspective that has really given me an immense sense of peace about my life here in Canada. And as great as that is, the biggest tragedy would be to return with that sense of peace and forget everyone who is currently trapped there, which is why advocacy needs to be an absolute priority. 

There are a few things, of course, that I took with me from my trip that aren't as nice as peace. I think over the coming months I'll have a better idea of how the trip affected me; for now I'm just a little more emotional, a little nervous around airports, more anxious on car rides (it's a whole thing) and have a more general sense of fear/paranoia. 

That said this was a 10/10 experience that I prooooobably wouldn't want to do again, at least for a while. I feel really content staying in Canada and am really appreciating what this country has to give. 

If you stuck with me all this way to the end, gimme a 🙌. You're awesome. And please feel free to ask me any questions you have about anything I said - there's no stupid questions. Well there are stupid questions. But those are the most fun.

Detained by armed guards and Compassion Fatigue.

Hey there. 

Lol i hope you appreciate the irony of that title.

My time here is winding down; I got about 2 months left. It makes me feel pretty reflective; i mean, I've spent the better part of a year here. I've been wondering a lot about what it'll be like to return home, after a year of being away, and how strange it'll be to re-adapt to a culture that I'm very familiar with but feel disconnected from. I've experienced it once before, after living in China for 8 months, and it was quite uncomfortable, so I'm trying to brace myself for how weird it might be. Then again, I know more of what to expect this time around, so it might not be as bad. 

Something I'm cognizant about, regarding all the stories i share here, is compassion fatigue, cuz man, there's only so many times you can read a story about something terrible happening and still care. It's easier to unplug. That's the wild part about living here; it's honestly just relentless, so oftentimes it's what you want to talk about. The disconnect between that and the daily life in Canada is gonna be strange. 

Recently, I've been focusing much more on self-reflection and getting less involved in things, which, if you know me, know is pretty strange lol; I essentially live off of my interactions with others. But since I've been here I've travelled a lot and been involved with as much as I can be, so recently have been prioritizing more solo time and unplugging a bit more. Coming up i might do some solo backpacking in Jordan, which feels exciting and would give me a break from the small-town living I've been doing here, so I might write about that soon. 

Though things have felt more calm and reflective for me, there is something that happened about a month or so ago that I'm probably gonna clickbait you with in the title of this journal entry, which was kinda bananas. 

I was on my way to Tel Aviv with 2 Palestinian friends; they get a holiday permit once a year that allows them to enter Israel for a month and see the sea. We were passing through the train station when a young Israeli guard pulled my Palestinian friends into a stairwell. I tried to join them and the guards told me to leave; when I asked what was going on they told me to leave more firmly. I stood outside the stairwell and they asked me to sit across the room. I've heard about these situations getting out of hand, so obviously I was worried about my friends. About 10 minutes later they let us walk down to the train station, only to run after us and bring us all the way back up to the same stairwell. 

If we asked them what this was about, they would get angry, so we stopped trying to talk to them. All they would tell us was that the police were on their way. We sat in the stairwell for 2 hours, guarded by an armed guard who wouldn't let my Palestinian friends stand or walk around. Eventually, the guard said that they called the police to see if my friends had the right permits; my friends insisted they did (they had entered Israel successfully with them several times before) and tried to show the guard, but the guard wouldn't check them. 

I was quite angry during all of this and, though I didn't say anything, I think it showed on my face (one of the guards would say things like "cheer up" and "why don't you smile?") but my Palestinian friends remained polite and cooperative throughout the whole thing, which, I couldn't imagine how that would feel. 

The police never showed up, but after 2 hours they let us go; essentially it felt like they just wanted to waste 2 hours of my friends' holiday. It was 6pm when we got out, and we had to work the next day, so i asked them if they still wanted to go, and they said "absolutely". We got to the beach at about 9pm, and it still was worth it.

I told my friends how unreal it was that they remained kind and polite throughout the entire thing, and one of them told me "they can't think we're terrorists. We need to show them the nature of our people". Which, I can't imagine being shouldered with that kind of responsibility. I also can't imagine being at the whim of any young guard who wants to waste your time, or worse (I've heard worse), when trying to enjoy a vacation, so this absolutely served to increase my respect for what my friends go through here.

Man, idk who still finishes these blogs lol. If you did, here you go, here's some money 💰. You've earned it. 

Live long and prosper.  

These are hard things to handle.

Helllooooo hello hello. 

It is I. 

Still in Palestine. 

The strange thing is balancing the seriousness of everything that's going on with the kinda interesting but more mundane things. Like - I ran a marathon. That's kinda cool. It was actually really fun and I'm gonna be running another one in October. 

On top of that, my dad visited me in Bethlehem for a bit, which was awesome. It was great to share everything and to have him and the people he travelled with learn more about what's going on from this side of the border wall. From that I really learned how passionate I am about advocating, and talking about all the complete insanity that's going on here. 

Like - a coworker of mine told me that their best friend was just kidnapped by the Israeli Defense Forces. They were taken out of their house at 5am, and are being held somewhere. This happens randomly to young and old people alike as a fear tactic. I asked my friend if they know anyone else this has happened to, and they said that it's happened to their brother and their father, and that their father was held for 3 years. Apparently when they're being held, there's torture involved. 

So what... What. What the hell. And what do you do; you just go to work. But she said that all of her time is spent trying to sleep or distract herself cuz what the hell else is she going to be thinking about. And how can that not drive her crazy. 

Man, stuff like this just makes you want to be apathetic. Or go crazy. Or get really, really angry. Honestly what other recourse is there. 

But the thing that blows. my mind. Is that despite the atrocities you always are hearing about, I actually feel safer in Palestine then in Canada.

In Canada, there’s homelessness and crime. You don’t always know about peoples' intentions and it makes you wary. But in the West Bank, I’m not afraid of the locals at all, you can trust the people around you, because you’re all in this together. There’s less crime, but there’s oppression; it’s a very different thing to fear. 

In Palestine, you’re not afraid of your neighbors, you’re afraid for the lives of your neighbors.

I talked to a foreigner living in Israel recently who said that they've thought of Palestine as like the wild west and were scared to enter, but I feel so much safer here than in Israel. Everyone's looking out for each other here; I've experienced more kindness, more patience, and more hospitality here than ever before. Maybe because they know how it feels to have their best friend kidnapped. 

Jeez man.

The fact that we have freedom to protest without endangering our lives. The fact we can go wherever the hell we want. That we have freedom to LEAVE if we don't like our country. 

I feel the stuff I'm learning here is really gonna stay with me. 

This place man.

Man 

I'm definitely starting to feel connected to here.

You may have recently heard about the 7 people who were killed in Jerusalem by a Palestinian gunman. What you probably didn't hear about is the 11 Palestinians (including at least 3 children) killed the day before in Jenin in a random raid by Israeli soldiers; people going about their lives who happen to be on the same street as the soldiers when they arrive and are shot. Something that's happened many times since I've been here. 

This kind of thing doesn't often make the news. It's only after many Palestinian's have been killed that a Palestinian retaliates, killing a fraction of as many Israeli's, that the media gets involved and people hear about the 'terrorist problem' in Palestine. 

The thing that brings tears to my eyes is that these people who've been limited, attacked, belittled and oppressed are genuinely the kindest, most giving people I've ever met, in a way that permeates the culture. It is strange to be walking home from work and not be greeted by people I've never met before, and invited into people's houses, or given free food, or asked to come join in some event. I walked past some guy sitting on a ledge eating a whole pizza, and he asked me to join him, as if we knew each other and had purchased the pizza together. Or I went to watch a soccer team practice and was invited to join them, then later invited onto the team bus for their final series game, and a few days later invited to a big dinner with them, followed by invitations to parties and weddings and all sorts of things. Just because I was there.

Honestly, skepticism is often the first response when people are overly generous; the nagging thought of ok. What are you getting out of this. But so. Many. Times I've had shopkeepers give me items for free, insisting I don't pay, costing their business money just so I can feel comfortable here. 

Man I think it's only when you've been living here for a little while that you start to really feel just the genuine goodwill that enwraps the deeds of the people I know here. The emphasis on family in this town is the reason why there are zero homeless people, and why extended family live right nearby and always come to visit throughout the week. 

Considering the whole situation, I would honestly expect to see bitterness, or anger, or some sort of maladaptive coping, but it truly feels like a unanimous decision has been made to come together through the suffering and celebrate what they can. I know a bunch of highschoolers who everyday are using their free time (because Israel has essentially withheld most recreational activities) to fully renovate an abandoned shed on their own in the hopes of being able to turn it into something useful. 

Essentially every Sunday is a holiday with a big family meal, and I'm also unable to walk very far in the rain because it is a guarantee that people will stop and insist I get in their car so they can take me wherever I want to go. 

For all the challenges of living here that Israel has made sure to cause, this week I thought to myself "I see why so many people in my organization come back here after their term." There is something very real here. I talked to my friend on the phone in Canada who explained how her car battery had died, and how hard it was to get someone who would help give her car a jump; people either said no or asked her to wait a while in the freezing cold. 

There's something really beautiful here. 

Yep its me

Well well well. 

Hello. 

It's beeen a second. 

Sana Saeeda (Happy new year)

So whaaaaat the heck have I been up to. 

First of all, Palestine acknowledges 3 different Christmases, which is bananas in the best way possible. You're doin all your normal things then BOOM. It's Christmas, December 25th. Then BAM, New years. Then you've put your Christmas sweater away and all the sudden WHAT it's Christmas again, january 7th; the Orthodox Christmas, and you get your third long weekend in a row (lol I'm still preparing for January 18th which is the Armenian Christmas). Lotta tinsel. 

What else - the weather is really nice. I'm sorry to all of you who experienced the snow storm cuz i heard that was wiild. Around here it's like a pretty consistent Fall kinda weather (except at night when it gets suuper cold inside). 

Currently I'm doing really well; I'm doing my best to spend January without a phone to just give myself some time for reflection and mental/emotional processing. I've also started living almost completely independently, as it's easier on my host parents; I've started cooking and cleaning myself and coming and going through my own door, and honestly, so far, I'm all about it. Living independently is a first for me and I'm starting to realize why so many people love having their own space lol.

All this new time I've spent reflecting and sitting with my thoughts (phoneless) has felt insaanely healthy; it's like I'm giving my brain space and time and a field to run around in. With this time I've been reflecting on something that I saw a little while ago and my reaction to it; I was visiting the church of the Holy Sepulchre, the place where many people say Jesus was buried. Obviously, a very important place for maaany people, and obviously it's flooded with tourists.

I remember feeling a contrast between the evident sanctity of the space, and the manner in which many tourists seemed to occupy that space; distracted, tired, and slightly indifferent. Now, god knows I've had my ups and downs with religion over the past few years, but I still felt frustrated that this place that was preserved for centuries that's supposedly of indescribable importance had become a stop along the way for people in sweatpants and T-shirts. And I remember seeing a guy with a backwards hat and a Monster Energy shirt walk into a room where Mary had apparently wept over Jesus, to look at a picture that had been carefully placed there. I felt like he was an example of the frustration I was feeling. But then he put his hand on the picture of Mary and I saw his eyes start to well up, and I realized how important an experience this was for him. Then I remembered what people thought of Jesus and John the Baptist because of what they wore, and was like, duh jeremiah, you silly goof. 

I thought of this today as I went for a run and went past Shepherds Fields, a place where they say the Shepherds saw the star that led them to Jesus. This time, I was the one in sweatpants, but I decided to step in and take a look, and saw a bunch of tourists that looked just like me, admiring the place they were, in silence. It was really meaningful, and man, I just feel like we put too much importance on meaningless things. I think nice clothes are nice, but I think they can also serve as a reminder to people who can't afford them that they don't belong here. I essentially started to feel like, who cares what people are wearing; what's important is that they're there. 

Lol anyway. Maybe I'm the only one who needed that reminder. But sharing it feels relevant. Otherwise, work is great, 5/5, so many cool people there, and they got me this nice new jacket for Christmas. I was going to take a position helping children in a refugee camp but recently it's been far too dangerous for me to join, but I might go part time at a different job soon. 

Anyway. Stay chilly. Chip chip cheerio.