We back baby

Ayyy we're back! 

Man. I've been back from Palestine for a month and a half now and I can't lie, it has been pretty incredible to relax.

Just straight up: Living there was tough. It wasn't an easy experience. There were several things that made life there challenging in ways that are hard to understand until you've been there; the general sense of tension in the air, never knowing if there will be protests the next day or what the Israeli army will do next. 

Honestly, I've spent a lot of time in these blogs detailing what life was like there and I don't really wanna talk about that anymore, at least for now. But I will say that despite how incredibly difficult it is to live there, the Palestinians display the most hospitable, magnanimous, kind-hearted attitude I've ever come across, to both travellers and to each other. 

For these reasons I'm feeling pretty strongly about advocacy right now. The general idea over there is that the main way to bring support to the Palestinian people is through international awareness, so spreading the word about the Israeli occupation is at the top of my to-do list. 

For me, I've definitely returned home with a real sense of peace. Before leaving I had large amounts of anxiety about things; about my role in my community, my friends, my family, how I should be interacting with the world. Living there (and living alone there for 5 months of my stay) granted me perspective that has really given me an immense sense of peace about my life here in Canada. And as great as that is, the biggest tragedy would be to return with that sense of peace and forget everyone who is currently trapped there, which is why advocacy needs to be an absolute priority. 

There are a few things, of course, that I took with me from my trip that aren't as nice as peace. I think over the coming months I'll have a better idea of how the trip affected me; for now I'm just a little more emotional, a little nervous around airports, more anxious on car rides (it's a whole thing) and have a more general sense of fear/paranoia. 

That said this was a 10/10 experience that I prooooobably wouldn't want to do again, at least for a while. I feel really content staying in Canada and am really appreciating what this country has to give. 

If you stuck with me all this way to the end, gimme a 🙌. You're awesome. And please feel free to ask me any questions you have about anything I said - there's no stupid questions. Well there are stupid questions. But those are the most fun.

Detained by armed guards and Compassion Fatigue.

Hey there. 

Lol i hope you appreciate the irony of that title.

My time here is winding down; I got about 2 months left. It makes me feel pretty reflective; i mean, I've spent the better part of a year here. I've been wondering a lot about what it'll be like to return home, after a year of being away, and how strange it'll be to re-adapt to a culture that I'm very familiar with but feel disconnected from. I've experienced it once before, after living in China for 8 months, and it was quite uncomfortable, so I'm trying to brace myself for how weird it might be. Then again, I know more of what to expect this time around, so it might not be as bad. 

Something I'm cognizant about, regarding all the stories i share here, is compassion fatigue, cuz man, there's only so many times you can read a story about something terrible happening and still care. It's easier to unplug. That's the wild part about living here; it's honestly just relentless, so oftentimes it's what you want to talk about. The disconnect between that and the daily life in Canada is gonna be strange. 

Recently, I've been focusing much more on self-reflection and getting less involved in things, which, if you know me, know is pretty strange lol; I essentially live off of my interactions with others. But since I've been here I've travelled a lot and been involved with as much as I can be, so recently have been prioritizing more solo time and unplugging a bit more. Coming up i might do some solo backpacking in Jordan, which feels exciting and would give me a break from the small-town living I've been doing here, so I might write about that soon. 

Though things have felt more calm and reflective for me, there is something that happened about a month or so ago that I'm probably gonna clickbait you with in the title of this journal entry, which was kinda bananas. 

I was on my way to Tel Aviv with 2 Palestinian friends; they get a holiday permit once a year that allows them to enter Israel for a month and see the sea. We were passing through the train station when a young Israeli guard pulled my Palestinian friends into a stairwell. I tried to join them and the guards told me to leave; when I asked what was going on they told me to leave more firmly. I stood outside the stairwell and they asked me to sit across the room. I've heard about these situations getting out of hand, so obviously I was worried about my friends. About 10 minutes later they let us walk down to the train station, only to run after us and bring us all the way back up to the same stairwell. 

If we asked them what this was about, they would get angry, so we stopped trying to talk to them. All they would tell us was that the police were on their way. We sat in the stairwell for 2 hours, guarded by an armed guard who wouldn't let my Palestinian friends stand or walk around. Eventually, the guard said that they called the police to see if my friends had the right permits; my friends insisted they did (they had entered Israel successfully with them several times before) and tried to show the guard, but the guard wouldn't check them. 

I was quite angry during all of this and, though I didn't say anything, I think it showed on my face (one of the guards would say things like "cheer up" and "why don't you smile?") but my Palestinian friends remained polite and cooperative throughout the whole thing, which, I couldn't imagine how that would feel. 

The police never showed up, but after 2 hours they let us go; essentially it felt like they just wanted to waste 2 hours of my friends' holiday. It was 6pm when we got out, and we had to work the next day, so i asked them if they still wanted to go, and they said "absolutely". We got to the beach at about 9pm, and it still was worth it.

I told my friends how unreal it was that they remained kind and polite throughout the entire thing, and one of them told me "they can't think we're terrorists. We need to show them the nature of our people". Which, I can't imagine being shouldered with that kind of responsibility. I also can't imagine being at the whim of any young guard who wants to waste your time, or worse (I've heard worse), when trying to enjoy a vacation, so this absolutely served to increase my respect for what my friends go through here.

Man, idk who still finishes these blogs lol. If you did, here you go, here's some money 💰. You've earned it. 

Live long and prosper.  

These are hard things to handle.

Helllooooo hello hello. 

It is I. 

Still in Palestine. 

The strange thing is balancing the seriousness of everything that's going on with the kinda interesting but more mundane things. Like - I ran a marathon. That's kinda cool. It was actually really fun and I'm gonna be running another one in October. 

On top of that, my dad visited me in Bethlehem for a bit, which was awesome. It was great to share everything and to have him and the people he travelled with learn more about what's going on from this side of the border wall. From that I really learned how passionate I am about advocating, and talking about all the complete insanity that's going on here. 

Like - a coworker of mine told me that their best friend was just kidnapped by the Israeli Defense Forces. They were taken out of their house at 5am, and are being held somewhere. This happens randomly to young and old people alike as a fear tactic. I asked my friend if they know anyone else this has happened to, and they said that it's happened to their brother and their father, and that their father was held for 3 years. Apparently when they're being held, there's torture involved. 

So what... What. What the hell. And what do you do; you just go to work. But she said that all of her time is spent trying to sleep or distract herself cuz what the hell else is she going to be thinking about. And how can that not drive her crazy. 

Man, stuff like this just makes you want to be apathetic. Or go crazy. Or get really, really angry. Honestly what other recourse is there. 

But the thing that blows. my mind. Is that despite the atrocities you always are hearing about, I actually feel safer in Palestine then in Canada.

In Canada, there’s homelessness and crime. You don’t always know about peoples' intentions and it makes you wary. But in the West Bank, I’m not afraid of the locals at all, you can trust the people around you, because you’re all in this together. There’s less crime, but there’s oppression; it’s a very different thing to fear. 

In Palestine, you’re not afraid of your neighbors, you’re afraid for the lives of your neighbors.

I talked to a foreigner living in Israel recently who said that they've thought of Palestine as like the wild west and were scared to enter, but I feel so much safer here than in Israel. Everyone's looking out for each other here; I've experienced more kindness, more patience, and more hospitality here than ever before. Maybe because they know how it feels to have their best friend kidnapped. 

Jeez man.

The fact that we have freedom to protest without endangering our lives. The fact we can go wherever the hell we want. That we have freedom to LEAVE if we don't like our country. 

I feel the stuff I'm learning here is really gonna stay with me. 

This place man.

Man 

I'm definitely starting to feel connected to here.

You may have recently heard about the 7 people who were killed in Jerusalem by a Palestinian gunman. What you probably didn't hear about is the 11 Palestinians (including at least 3 children) killed the day before in Jenin in a random raid by Israeli soldiers; people going about their lives who happen to be on the same street as the soldiers when they arrive and are shot. Something that's happened many times since I've been here. 

This kind of thing doesn't often make the news. It's only after many Palestinian's have been killed that a Palestinian retaliates, killing a fraction of as many Israeli's, that the media gets involved and people hear about the 'terrorist problem' in Palestine. 

The thing that brings tears to my eyes is that these people who've been limited, attacked, belittled and oppressed are genuinely the kindest, most giving people I've ever met, in a way that permeates the culture. It is strange to be walking home from work and not be greeted by people I've never met before, and invited into people's houses, or given free food, or asked to come join in some event. I walked past some guy sitting on a ledge eating a whole pizza, and he asked me to join him, as if we knew each other and had purchased the pizza together. Or I went to watch a soccer team practice and was invited to join them, then later invited onto the team bus for their final series game, and a few days later invited to a big dinner with them, followed by invitations to parties and weddings and all sorts of things. Just because I was there.

Honestly, skepticism is often the first response when people are overly generous; the nagging thought of ok. What are you getting out of this. But so. Many. Times I've had shopkeepers give me items for free, insisting I don't pay, costing their business money just so I can feel comfortable here. 

Man I think it's only when you've been living here for a little while that you start to really feel just the genuine goodwill that enwraps the deeds of the people I know here. The emphasis on family in this town is the reason why there are zero homeless people, and why extended family live right nearby and always come to visit throughout the week. 

Considering the whole situation, I would honestly expect to see bitterness, or anger, or some sort of maladaptive coping, but it truly feels like a unanimous decision has been made to come together through the suffering and celebrate what they can. I know a bunch of highschoolers who everyday are using their free time (because Israel has essentially withheld most recreational activities) to fully renovate an abandoned shed on their own in the hopes of being able to turn it into something useful. 

Essentially every Sunday is a holiday with a big family meal, and I'm also unable to walk very far in the rain because it is a guarantee that people will stop and insist I get in their car so they can take me wherever I want to go. 

For all the challenges of living here that Israel has made sure to cause, this week I thought to myself "I see why so many people in my organization come back here after their term." There is something very real here. I talked to my friend on the phone in Canada who explained how her car battery had died, and how hard it was to get someone who would help give her car a jump; people either said no or asked her to wait a while in the freezing cold. 

There's something really beautiful here. 

Yep its me

Well well well. 

Hello. 

It's beeen a second. 

Sana Saeeda (Happy new year)

So whaaaaat the heck have I been up to. 

First of all, Palestine acknowledges 3 different Christmases, which is bananas in the best way possible. You're doin all your normal things then BOOM. It's Christmas, December 25th. Then BAM, New years. Then you've put your Christmas sweater away and all the sudden WHAT it's Christmas again, january 7th; the Orthodox Christmas, and you get your third long weekend in a row (lol I'm still preparing for January 18th which is the Armenian Christmas). Lotta tinsel. 

What else - the weather is really nice. I'm sorry to all of you who experienced the snow storm cuz i heard that was wiild. Around here it's like a pretty consistent Fall kinda weather (except at night when it gets suuper cold inside). 

Currently I'm doing really well; I'm doing my best to spend January without a phone to just give myself some time for reflection and mental/emotional processing. I've also started living almost completely independently, as it's easier on my host parents; I've started cooking and cleaning myself and coming and going through my own door, and honestly, so far, I'm all about it. Living independently is a first for me and I'm starting to realize why so many people love having their own space lol.

All this new time I've spent reflecting and sitting with my thoughts (phoneless) has felt insaanely healthy; it's like I'm giving my brain space and time and a field to run around in. With this time I've been reflecting on something that I saw a little while ago and my reaction to it; I was visiting the church of the Holy Sepulchre, the place where many people say Jesus was buried. Obviously, a very important place for maaany people, and obviously it's flooded with tourists.

I remember feeling a contrast between the evident sanctity of the space, and the manner in which many tourists seemed to occupy that space; distracted, tired, and slightly indifferent. Now, god knows I've had my ups and downs with religion over the past few years, but I still felt frustrated that this place that was preserved for centuries that's supposedly of indescribable importance had become a stop along the way for people in sweatpants and T-shirts. And I remember seeing a guy with a backwards hat and a Monster Energy shirt walk into a room where Mary had apparently wept over Jesus, to look at a picture that had been carefully placed there. I felt like he was an example of the frustration I was feeling. But then he put his hand on the picture of Mary and I saw his eyes start to well up, and I realized how important an experience this was for him. Then I remembered what people thought of Jesus and John the Baptist because of what they wore, and was like, duh jeremiah, you silly goof. 

I thought of this today as I went for a run and went past Shepherds Fields, a place where they say the Shepherds saw the star that led them to Jesus. This time, I was the one in sweatpants, but I decided to step in and take a look, and saw a bunch of tourists that looked just like me, admiring the place they were, in silence. It was really meaningful, and man, I just feel like we put too much importance on meaningless things. I think nice clothes are nice, but I think they can also serve as a reminder to people who can't afford them that they don't belong here. I essentially started to feel like, who cares what people are wearing; what's important is that they're there. 

Lol anyway. Maybe I'm the only one who needed that reminder. But sharing it feels relevant. Otherwise, work is great, 5/5, so many cool people there, and they got me this nice new jacket for Christmas. I was going to take a position helping children in a refugee camp but recently it's been far too dangerous for me to join, but I might go part time at a different job soon. 

Anyway. Stay chilly. Chip chip cheerio.

This post is sorta heavy and kinda long so

 So. 

Time to answer the most common question I receive, in one fell swoop: 

How am I enjoying my time here?

Lol this is going to be a super easy blog post cuz feelings are suuper easy to talk about.

Man, honestly; getting a glimpse into the realities of living under occupation is undeniably valuable. It's also an almost-constant reminder that I'm not on any kind of vacation; I'm not here on any sort of 'getaway' or to enjoy myself. I'm here to understand and experience what it's like to live under occupation, and those experiences absolutely take a toll on you. 

The day to day conversations are affected in sometimes subtle, always memorable ways. When you ask someone what they're doing for Palestinian Independence Day, and they say that there's no point in celebrating when children are being murdered daily by the Israeli Defense Forces. Also, they're totally restricted on travel, so where are they going to go? Or when you ask if someone's going to a festival, and find out it was cancelled because of murders that took place the past weekend in another city. Or when you see cars clustered and assume it's for a wedding but discover it's a military demonstration, which is shortly afterward met by the loud hum of Israeli planes overhead, that oftentimes fly way too close

Then you want to take a break, and go on a nice trip to Jerusalem or Nazareth, which has clean streets and good water pressure and beautiful beaches, and all it does is fill you with anger. Because how can you enjoy this when it was stolen from the friends you've been making for the last 2 months. And when your host family tells you that it used to be 100% Palestinian and they remember growing up there, and that since the Israeli's stole it, visiting, even with the proper permissions, could prove to be too dangerous for them. 

It's easy to tell yourself (cough cough *myself*) that you're aware of these things, and to process them logically. But emotions are sneaky. Overhearing a conversation in your workplace about the difficulties in your work-trip that day due to nearby violence can unexpectedly bring tears to your eyes. The same can be said for finding out that two people you're with who are chatting in Arabic are talking about their friends who have been martyred, one having been just the previous week. Or walking home and stumbling upon a giant fight that needs to be broken up by soldiers. These things tend to take your attention away from whatever you were previously thinking about, and tend to pop up in your brain at random moments weeks later. 

The constancy of everything is draining, and I've been here for 2 months. The people I know who've lived here their whole lives seem to have often adopted a sense of humor about the whole thing, because, like, what other choice do they have. It's helpless. And it's helpless to listen to them chuckle and say "we keep losing our land and our people keep being killed. And we're painted as the bad guys." Trying to figure out how to respond to such things feels exhausting in itself (there's only so many times 'wow' or 'that's so frustrating' feel like even marginally appropriate responses). 

And it's hard to escape these feelings, because...this is where you live. You hear about the violence of settlers against Palestinians, or Palestinians trying to defend themselves, or IDF soldiers harming civilians so often that you never know which incident someone is talking about when they refer to 'the latest news'. When you want to admire the view, you can't avoid seeing the ever-encroaching settlement camps that seem to get closer whenever I look at them. Even our organizations weekly newsletter contains information about local incidents, like how an elderly man picking olive trees on his land was attacked by settlers and their dogs and is now in the hospital. It really gets to be too much. 

So honestly, being here can be pretty hard. As expected. But just so you don't think it's all doom and gloom, know that personally, on a day to day basis, work and homelife are going well. I'm lucky as hell to be with the organization I'm with. They're incredible at prioritizing my safety and making me feel comfortable and at home. 

I also want to say that I'm grateful to be able to witness a disastrous and ever-important political/humanitarian situation, because it demands to be witnessed. 

And, importantly, any difficulties I'm facing does not compare the experiences of those who live here. I'm a tourist to the struggle, not a prisoner there. And even though I do think that coming here will be tremendous for my own personal growth, I can't help but hear Bo Burnham's words in my head whenever I say that: "why do you rich f**king white people view every socio-political conflict through the lens of your own self-actualization. This isn't about you." 

And it's not. It's really not about me. So thank you for keeping me and my struggles in your thoughts, and please do the same for the Palestinians subjugated to this conflict. 

If you made it to the end, gimme a fist bump 👊. Way to be. And I'll talk to you...I might not talk to you. Unless you talk to me first. Also hi mom. 

hey there its me again

Hiiiiii

guess what I'm still in Palestine. 

Just doin' Palestine stuff. 

Lol it's been a fun month. 

I'm living in a teeny tiny town of 14 000 people, where the phrase 'everyone knows everyone' could not be more literal. Most of the town is related to any of the huge families around here; my one street is comprised solely of the family members of my host family (who come over every Sunday for a Thanksgiving-level feast that sometimes includes lamb intestines). 

So truly, if you go to a cafe, or a sports game, or for a run, you'll run into people who know your family and have heard of you. Lol I went to a basketball game and chatted a little to a random person who was sitting behind me, and I mentioned that I had enjoyed playing a little bit of rugby when in high-school. Later that night while I was walking home, I was approached by a stranger who said to me "You're the guy who used to play rugby! We need you on our rugby team!" Man I swear this guy was not at the basketball game. But now I'm on a rugby team. 

The hospitality is honestly remarkable; I've been offered coffee and food at cafe's for free, and drinks for free from shopkeepers. I've also been invited into peoples houses and have eaten lots of something called Zarp, where you cook chicken in an outdoor oven that you have to seal with mud. Work has been wild and wonderful as I've been caring for 20 Palestinian folks with intellectual disabilities; they've been so immensely welcoming and fun, and the staff there are so incredibly dedicated to supporting them. 

Bahhh what else. I play frisbee. I'm training for a marathon (oh my lord there are so many hills). I'm having a lot of downtime that I'm genuinely loving. I spend evenings watching my host-grandparents play Backgammon while random American movies play on the TV. 

Lol and I've had a couple fairly silly close calls; one night I went for a run to go somewhere and Google Maps took me out of the city. I passed a few stray dogs (one of which started following me then gave up), and as it got darker and darker, I decided to take off my headphones and just heard a huuge ruckus of barking ahead of me. Then I realized there was also barking behind me; turns out there were a lot of stray dogs, and they were getting quite close, so I decided to seek the shelter of someone's driveway, where a family was just pulling in and kindly insisted on giving me a ride into the city. Then shortly after that, while on the Mount of Olives I was chased by ANOTHER dog and lost a sandal. These dogs man. 

What else. Idk. It's getting a bit chillier in the evening. I've started taking arabic classes and I wish I could say how it's going with learning Arabic in Arabic but I can't and that should tell you how it's going with learning Arabic. We have the Olive Harvest soon, which I'll be doing both at work and at home so I'm gonna have some really green fingers. 

There's more to say about the current political situation buuuut that's for another blog. Enjoy all those colorful leaves you're getting you monsters. 

Live long and prosper.